Twenty-Eight Narratives About Autogynephilia

Edited by Anne A. Lawrence, M.D., Ph.D.

These narratives were submitted in response to a solicitation elsewhere at this site. I want to offer my sincere thanks to all the women who have shared their experiences. As you read these accounts, note the following commonly expressed themes:

Contents:

  1. A post-op TS woman who transitioned early describes her autogynephilic feelings, which she recognized only in retrospect.

  2. A TS woman reports that autogynephilic imagery has been obligatory for sexual arousal, and this has made her doubt her transsexuality.

  3. A TS woman in transition describes early femininity and autogynephilic arousal, and how shame caused her to lie to her therapist.

  4. A TS woman in transition recognizes autogynephilic arousal in herself, and wonders whether she is a "true" transsexual.

  5. A post-op TS woman thought she was the only one with autogynephilia; her fantasies have continued after surgery.

  6. A post-op TS woman who transitioned early describes autogynephilia, and also another unspecified paraphilia earlier in life.

  7. A TS woman is glad to discover that she is not the only one with autogynephilic feelings.

  8. A TS woman in transition reports that autogynephilic fantasies have always been primary for her.

  9. A post-op TS woman with a history of early autogynephilic arousal feels herself to be an intermediate type.

  10. A TS woman finds autogynephilic imagery a reliable source of arousal, and is pleased that the issue is being discussed.

  11. A post-op TS woman reports that her feminine identity preceded autogynephilic eroticism, and describes how her new body arouses her.

  12. A TS woman who thinks she is autogynephilic reports transitioning early, aided by social acceptance of her lesbianism.

  13. A pre-op TS woman describes classic autogynephilic fantasies, which have continued throughout her transition.

  14. A TS woman describes autogynephilic fantasies during self-pleasuring, but feels that her gender dysphoria came earlier.

  15. An early-transition TS woman describes her fantasies, and how they have changed over time.

  16. A post-op TS woman gives a detailed description of her anatomic and physiologic autogynephilia, which centers on urinary function.

  17. A TS woman understands that she can be autogynephilic and still be a genuine transsexual; however, she hasn't told her therapist.

  18. An early-transition TS woman believes that her erotic arousal to crossdressing is consistent with genuine transsexualism, and her therapist agrees.

  19. A TS woman describes childhood femininity and attempts at self-castration, but reports that autogynephilic fantasies appeared much later.

  20. An older autogynephilic TS woman no longer experiences arousal with cross-dressing.

  21. A TS woman thinks the concept of autogynephilia contributes to a more accurate view of transsexualism, but believes it can be symptomatic of deeper problems.

  22. A post-op TS woman still gets sexually aroused thinking about her transition, but believes that autogynephilia and transsexualism are independent.

  23. A bisexual TS woman describes a sexual component in her transition, but feels that the concept of autogynephilia is demeaning.

  24. An autogynephilic TS woman says that she's no "girly girl," and thinks that autogynephilia subverts traditional gender paradigms.

  25. A TS woman recalls that her cross-gender desires appeared much earlier than her autogynephilia.

  26. A post-op TS woman is certain that her cross-gender feelings preceded autogynephilic arousal.

  27. A TS woman with anatomic autogynephilia thinks that sexual orientation can change, in persons committed to heterosexuality.

  28. A bisexual TS woman is aroused by feminization fantasies, but believes Blanchard's theory may confuse cause and effect.

1. A post-op TS woman who transitioned early describes her autogynephilic feelings, which she recognized only in retrospect:

I'm writing in response to your article about autogynephilia. I wanted to say how much I liked and appreciated your account.

When I was 14, I can remember driving home from school with my Mom. I was deep in the throws of anorexia, desperately depressed, at odds with the hideous things that were happening to my body and myself. I was trying so hard to 'come out' and tell my parents what was going on, but as you can well imagine, I could not. They were practically as desperate as I. As we drove home, I was imaging myself telling my parents, and my doctor, that I was really a girl. I imagined, in fact, lying down on the operating room table for my sex reassignment surgery. I was also imagining with horror that I would become sexually aroused. How would I explain this? How could I even understand for myself? I knew I was a girl, but I didn't know why I became excited when I thought those thoughts. In fact, it wasn't until I was 18 and began reading Ray Blanchard's work, that I understood that this was a part of the phenomenon.

I wanted to add a couple of things, though. The first is that seeing oneself as a woman (*genuinely*), and being a complete autogynephile, are not mutually exclusive. You mentioned that sex is a big motivator. Sex is something else, too. A big reinforcer. I have no doubt, as I look back on my past, that when I was five and wearing perfume, or making pretty necklaces out of colored beads, or arranging flowers, or when I was seven and volunteering to play 'Mother Goose' in the school play, that sexual motivation was a part of what I was experiencing. But I didn't understand that until I was 18. I didn't even notice the physical manifestations of sexual excitement accompanying those thoughts until I was 10, and even then, I didn't have a clue what it meant.

Those feelings, which I felt whenever I was with a group of girls my age, etc., are the same feelings that other people (heterosexuals and homosexuals) talk about -- love, sexual excitement and everything else that goes with it.... It goes far beyond sex, though -- it's about a feeling of connectedness, and of rightness. For lack of a better word, it's like being in love.

I think it's great that you've written what you did, because in the four years between when I was 14, and when I was 18 (an eternity at that age), I went through hell -- this was one of the bigger reasons I didn't 'come out' until I was 19. I put two young women through hell, too, trying to find a love that was never meant to be. I hope that by understanding themselves, by reading your writing, other people can avoid that suffering, so needlessly just because they don't understand themselves.

2. A TS woman reports that autogynephilic imagery has been obligatory for sexual arousal, and this has made her doubt her transsexuality:

I am a middle-aged biologic male diagnosed as transsexual and about to begin RLT. I have been on HRT for one year, in therapy 1-1/2 years and nearly completed electrolysis. I have worked to present a female image and am totally passable -- in fact, I appear as a very attractive thin female. However, throughout my life my psychological state has been quite conflicted because I have doubted my transsexuality and womanhood due to my autogynephilia -- a term and condition I have only recently become aware of. Your study is important because had I had the right information and known that it was a common TS experience I would not have doubted my TS status, or convinced myself that I was not TS, for the past three decades.

My first cross-dressing experience was at age five. At age eleven I began cross-dressing regularly -- the experience of seeing (and imaging I was) myself as a girl and later as a woman was nearly always erotic for me. I was never effeminate, although I often wished I were in order to "validate" my desire to be a woman. As a young male, I was an athlete, served in the military, and became a husband and father. I convinced myself that I was not TS, nor a woman in a man's body, but simply a male aroused by what I viewed as a very strange, and unwelcome, desire to be a woman.

My efforts to train myself to be a "normal" heterosexually motivated male were unsuccessful. Sexual arousal during intercourse for me has always depended on creating in my mind the image that I was the female in the act. Each condition you describe (cross-dressing, being with women as a woman, female hobbies, etc.) aroused me. I was deeply embarrassed and ashamed of my condition and revealed it to no one until my late 40s. My cross-dressing waxed and waned over the years as I focused on career, and family life prevented me from cross-dressing. However, arousal, whether in intercourse or masturbation, was only possible when I imagined I was female.

Eventually, my marriage collapsed and I became more aware of others like me. For the first time in my life, I became convinced that I could actually become a woman. With that knowledge the intensity of my drive increased exponentially. Even with my libido diminished after one year of HRT, I find that the drive -- which is still somewhat erotic -- to transition remains extremely strong. I have told my therapist about my erotic impulse. She has said that this is not uncommon among TSs, although she was unaware of the term used to describe the condition. It has not affected her evaluation.

I have discussed the subject with other TSs, some post-op, who have confirmed a similar eroticism in them. In conclusion, this erotic impulse created by the desire to be and live as a woman has probably been an important factor in my transition, although I believe, as I need to, that it is simply a manifestation of a deeper underlying condition. I still have difficulty on occasion accepting that I am TS or a woman since I have always been led to believe by what I have read throughout my life that "true" TS's are "women in men's bodies" for whom such an erotic impulse is absent.

3. A TS woman in transition describes early femininity and autogynephilic arousal, and how shame caused her to lie to her therapist:

I found it very validating to see some research supporting my own very unpopular theories about the source of this irresistible drive to change sex. I couldn't understand why we would risk everything to become a questionable simulation what we really want to be. I finally concluded exactly what you said in your article: "The force in question is one designed by nature to be terrifically powerful, because it is necessary to ensure the survival of our species. That force is, of course, sexual desire." Indeed, I do believe that, underneath it all, the overpowering desire to be female is simply the urge to procreate turned inside out.

I recently said to my counselor, "Being transgendered is the cross we have to bear, orgasm is what nails us to it."

I suspect that it's a very fine line between the autogynephilic and the androphilic TS. I also suspect that in a way, genetic women can be "autogynephilic" and/or "androphilic." And I furthermore believe that some, if not most of the androphilic TS's are rewriting their own histories, because of shame about their autoeroticism. I did. When I first sought treatment with Dr. Ira Pauly at the University of Oregon, I lied my little butt off in order to paint for him the picture of someone who was simply a miserable "woman trapped in the body of a man" who didn't care at all about sex. I would have been utterly mortified to admit to him that during puberty I discovered orgasm, and that the source of that arousal was self-feminization. I think some of us just never let go of that shame. Of course it's about sex!

I began crossdressing at three or four. My absolute earliest lifetime memory is, in fact, of standing in a closet happily wearing my sister's dress, knowing somehow that it was "wrong" and that I should never be caught. I fantasized a lot during my childhood about being a girl, or transforming into one, but I had friends of both sexes, and was feminine in appearance but not necessarily in action. I would have been a tomboy, if I [had been] a girl. My sister was my best friend, and we played with dolls and girlish fantasy games, but I also played cowboys and softball and ran around the badlands with my boy friends. I could play female roles with my sister, though, which I wouldn't even think about with anyone else. I hated having a penis, and had to tuck it between my legs in order to sleep at night. I first heard of "sex changes" when I was 13, and I see that as a turning point in my life, just to learn that my lifelong fantasy might actually be possible. I didn't even think about anatomical sex until puberty when an orgasm caught me completely by surprise at age 16 while innocently doing my homework cross-dressed. After that, being female was my only erotic fantasy. Since then, I've had only three sex partners, all female and only occasionally had trouble getting aroused with them, since touch is very arousing to me. Usually, mentally reversing the sex roles would solve any lack of arousal.

I went for extended periods with no sex, or masturbation, because I believed that being aroused by sex-change fantasies was a mental illness -- and still do, I guess. Also, I found that orgasms immediately made me feel masculine and ruined the feminine fantasy. I somehow managed to keep my gender thing a complete secret until I finally sought help. When I eventually got my first estrogens from Dr. Pauly, I was very happy with the gradual changes to my body, especially breast development. I also eventually discovered that I really was attracted to men underneath my homophobia, and found that attraction very enjoyable and natural. Nothing enhances my "autogynephilic" fantasies like the addition of a Denzel Washington, or a nice Tom Berenger, or . . . etc, etc..

For me, the unfortunate part of this transsexual reality is the grief I feel about the loss of my spouse, and my relentless guilt over her broken heart. To me, it kind of puts [us] on a par with the all too common married man who ruins his marriage for the Big Turn On. Men are famous for doing really stupid, dangerous, and downright evil things in the quest for the Big Turn On. For most, the Big Turn On is another woman; for TS's, it is to BE the woman. We may never really know why we identify so strongly with women, but I think this may explain why we change sex.

4. A TS woman in transition recognizes autogynephilic arousal in herself, and wonders whether she is a "true" transsexual:

I read most of your article on autogynephilia with my mouth open or my hand up to my face. I had two initial reactions: it made me uncomfortable to read something which so closely described my crossgender urges which don't seem to fit the TS "norm"; and at the same time, it relieved me to realize that perhaps I'm not the only one who has such feelings. You may have answered a question which has shadowed me for the entire 18 months I've been in therapy.

For all intents and purposes, I am conducting myself like the standard vanilla "woman trapped in a man's body", and the prospect of my carrying out a successful transition, including changing gender in my present job, seems to be good. But throughout all this, I have been haunted by a question which neither my therapist nor I can answer. In contrast to the so-called "true transsexuals", I do not believe myself to BE a woman, nor did I ever believe myself to BE a girl while growing up. I certainly wasn't masculine -- I played almost exclusively with girls and did not act at all macho, but I never thought I WAS a girl. My motivation for transitioning, which I have freely shared with my therapist, is not that I believe I AM a woman, but that I want to BE a woman, and that I have no question that I would be more psychologically comfortable LIVING AS a woman. But I cannot in all honesty look a genetic female in the eye and say, "I am a woman, just like you," which is the impression I get listening to other TSs I read about or write to.

What has bothered me for so long about all this is [my belief] that to admit this is to say that I am not a "true transsexual;" hence I have no reason to transition. But if I don't transition, I ask myself, then what? How do I deal with this unbearable anxiety? Four times this year, I have decided that, for this and other reasons, I simply must remain male. And all four times, I became seriously suicidal within a week.... So, I am going with the only other option I know of which will keep me alive and functional -- be the "true transsexual," go through with transition, and keep my mouth shut regarding my confusion.

Thank you for helping to answer a question that has plagued me this last year. I commend you for having the courage to address it.

5. A post-op TS woman thought she was the only one with autogynephilia; her fantasies have continued after surgery:

Dr. Toby Meltzer was my surgeon, based on your recommendation. I am [now] seven months post-operative. I was extremely autogynephilic, but thought I was the only person who felt this way, so I kept quiet about it. My fantasies were of my feminization, which still continue, despite not having testosterone. My sexual urges have virtually disappeared since surgery, and I haven't had sex yet with another [person]. I hope I get horny again, but I am very happy not to be as driven as I once was.

6. A post-op TS woman who transitioned early describes autogynephilia, and also another unspecified paraphilia earlier in life:

I just read the articles on autogynephilia, and would place myself in the group. I started coming out at age 19, transitioned at 22, and had SRS at 24. Currently I'm 28 years old. My autogynephilic fantasies probably kicked in with puberty. In the early days, I think they were more clothes/forced-femme based stuff, later on they were more based on the idea of a change of genitals.

I would, however, question whether they are 100% the reason [for my transition]. My first experience with actually dressing (although I had probably fantasized about it earlier on) was when I had just turned 15. I recall being aroused by the idea, dressing, masturbating to orgasm, then continuing to spend several hours dressed just doing homework, feeling very content to be the way I desired to be. I think in some cases, I even dressed simply because I wanted to feel comfortable, but then became sexually aroused.

Interestingly, autogynephilia is not - and never was - my primary paraphilia. I really can't trace autogynephilia back too much beyond adolescence -- I never fit in and really didn't do boy things, but I didn't do much girlish stuff either (although I remember some interest, but avoided it because of fear of repercussions of peers). My primary paraphilia (not specified -- Anne) is rooted back to my earliest memory, and I can remember distinct interests at about 5 years of age. It began to manifest around age 10. It is now my only source of the big O.

One comment on why TS's may be so unwilling to talk to therapists on this issue: I didn't bring it up because I wanted SRS. I figured out early on that I had to present what they wanted to see, not what I really was. I had no belief at all that I could get approval without lying, and so I lied. In the process, I convinced myself it was the truth. It took a bit of time to deconstruct the lies I had made after surgery. I did this on my own, but I could certainly see how some TS's might need a therapist to help. This would probably give many therapists a negative impression of the success of SRS.

7. A TS woman is glad to discover that she is not the only one with autogynephilic feelings:

Finding out about this is as large as finding out about Tri-Ess was. I guess that I had simply never thought that someone else might feel the same way. It isn't something that we talk about; but I think that we need to -- all us TG's, of whatever stripe. I have to say that finding out that autogynephilia is not just something with me, uniquely, ... has made a difference in my status as a TS. I would like to talk more about this, and maybe be part of some research, so that other people can come to understand this better. It has made a difference to me.

8. A TS woman in transition reports that autogynephilic fantasies have always been primary for her:

I read your article on autogynephilia and was quite literally stunned! My fantasies have always revolved around being a woman. The very earliest of my masturbation fantasies at around 12 years of age were of being somehow turned into a girl. They have always been the primary theme for me all through my life.

I will be 44 in December and have been on the road to full feminization for about 4 1/2 years now. That's when I first started taking Premarin. At this point in my life, I am getting ready to go to Portland for the first of my surgeries with Dr. Meltzer.

I did dress in some of my mother's underthings as I was growing up, but never did fully dress until around 10 years ago. I have suffered terrible bouts of guilt and anxiety over my feelings, and went to severe extremes to be masculine. I [was] a very reckless person who took extreme chances to "prove my masculinity" to everyone, including myself. After I almost killed myself in a motorcycle wreck in 1979, most of my friends thought I had a death wish.

In my personal life I have been married three times now and have fathered one daughter with my present significant other. I came out to her in 1989, and while it took her sometime to come to grips with my transsexualism, she is now very supportive of me. In April of 1995, I started electrolysis, and in March of 1996, I started into therapy. And, no, I didn't tell my therapist of my earliest fantasies! Actually until I read your article, I had never really given it much thought, that it could have been a form of paraphilia. Once I read your article, I could relate to most of the forms that the fantasies took.

I've always considered myself bisexual. I've never though sex was "dirty" in any form as long as it was between two consenting individuals. I had sex with other genetic males at a very early age, around seven or eight. While I'm primarily drawn to females today, I had one encounter with another male before my last marriage. I seem to be much pickier with a male partner than [with] a female.

While all three of my spouses had once described me as being oversexed, now my desire for sex has definitely dropped to almost nil. At one time during my peak, I had been making love to one of the females in my life one to two times per day and also masturbating as much as three times per day in between. I have used almost all of the fantasies you have described during my masturbation and my lovemaking. During love making, in my fantasies it was almost always me that was being made love to by the male. While wearing women's clothing was the least of my fantasies, being female and being made love to, made pregnant, and having children played prominent roles in my fantasies. Just the thought of being a woman was very seductive to me.

9. A post-op TS woman with a history of early autogynephilic arousal feels herself to be an intermediate type:

I have read your article and thought about it a lot. Having reflected on the concept in terms of my own life experiences, I have the following comments and experiences that you might find useful.

First, I should explain my background. I am a 38, MtF, post-op eight months (Meltzer), professional (Ph.D.), only child, conventional middle-class family. In terms of my sexuality, I identified early (12-13) as gay or bi. I did not date as a teen, and was very friendly with girls. I was not particularly effeminate, and physically fitted in well with men (6 ft, solidly build, lots of upper- and lower-body strength). At college I came out, and had numerous affairs with men and, surprisingly, women (much more awkward).

I had begun cross-dressing as a child and had fantasizing about being female. From puberty onwards, I was sexually aroused by the idea of being a women, wearing women's clothes, fetish items, and being made love to as a women by a man. In college I met a woman, fell in love, and married. We had two children. I stopped cross-dressing for seven to eight years. With the birth of my first child, a girl, I began to dress again. I frequently fantasized about breast-feeding -- but sexually. I was still turned on by women's clothes, but less so with more exposure. This pattern continued through the birth of my second and final child (a girl also). Throughout this time, I was most turned on by the idea of being made love to as a woman by a man. However, I still conceived of these fantasies in terms of homosexual relationships (penises played a big role -- mutual penetration and oral sex).

At around 30, I began to attend TV/TS groups and after a deep depression, entered therapy and began feminization. At this time, in my sexual fantasies I first conceived of myself as female (with a vagina), being made love to by a man. This was something of a breakthrough for me. In retrospect, I believe that ... contact with the T community allowed me to see that it was realistic to see myself as a woman. After this my sexual arousal in cross-dressing declined substantially, possibly related to declines in sex drive from Prozac, and my interest in presenting as female increased. With hormones, this became even more pronounced, as one would expect.

After my marriage broke up, I dated pre-op with men (transfans and gay/bi types in denial) quite successfully. The turn-on was the idea of being accepted by them as female -- that and simple mechanics. At that time, I met my current partner. He stayed with me through surgery and he and I are happily living together. Today, I am powerfully excited sexually by the idea of being desired by men (pretty conventional, I think) and by the notion of being thought of as beautiful. To this end, I pursue a grueling workout and diet regime and have undergone numerous plastic surgeries (way beyond what I need to pass). Of course, I suppose one could say that to be beautiful is to be stereotypically feminine, in this culture's notion of femininity. Thus, I suppose I am still sexually motivated. Yet the turn on is not me, but to attract others -- in particular, men, but I [also] enjoy being able to attract lesbians. I feel in many ways I fit somewhere in the middle of your typology.

10. A TS woman finds autogynephilic imagery a reliable source of arousal, and is pleased that the issue is being discussed:

I was delighted to read your on-line article about autogynephilia. I have just one thing to say -- it's right on. Frankly, I have always found the whole flavor of the discussion about transsexuality to be a bit "off-center" from my perspective. The operative part of transsexual is "sex."

I am a male, 50 years old. I have been married (to women) twice, and have not had any homosexual experiences. What drives and arouses me sexually, though, is the idea of having a female body, and, specifically, having sex with a male in that body. No male in particular. It is very much the idea and fantasy of having a woman's body and enjoying it that I find intensely arousing. I have had that desire since puberty, and it is the one thing that drives me to sexual arousal reliably and strongly, without fail.

It is a great relief to have this topic brought out into the open. I have, like most who have explored this idea for themselves, not only wondered about my drives to "change sex", but also even whether I was a "legitimate" transsexual in the context of what I had learned. Just giving the concept a name does not, by itself, change anything, but declaring the topic of motivation as valid for discussion certainly does.

11. A post-op TS woman reports that her feminine identity preceded autogynephilic eroticism, and describes how her new body arouses her:

The earliest memory of the desire to be female comes from when I first learned to masturbate (about 10 years old). I would hold my penis in my right and find with my left the spot between rectum and scrotum where my vagina should be. I would think to myself "This is where my vagina should be!" as I stroked my penis with my right. I wanted that opening to be there. I wanted to feel something inside of me. I even "self catheterized" myself to have a feeling of penetration. But I had not made the cognitive connection that the desire to have a vagina also meant I wanted to be female. That awareness I suppressed for another 30 years. Which came first? Female identity or eroticism? I believe the female identity was first. At 10, I knew I was not female and I was told I could not become female. Was there another way -- a culturally sanctioned way -- to get close to female bodies?

There is one culturally sanctioned way to "possess" a female body: heterosexual sex. Since it was impossible to become female, would [heterosexual] eroticism satisfy this desire to "have" a female body? I tried and tried for 30 years to sexually possess a female body. Finally at 40 I had the awareness that what I really wanted was to "be a female (body)," versus to "have a female (body)." This change in awareness was critical. The transformation to post-op female really satisfied the need. [Heterosexual] eroticism was a "dead end" in finding myself. But it seemed to be the only way to "have a female body" when I could not "be one."

I now get to wear and enjoy the same "sexy" clothes I had bought for my wife. My body shape after hormones is very similar to hers, and it is the body shape I that have always been erotically attracted to. The "sexy body" I was always looking for in a woman turned out to my own after transition and surgery! So I wear my black bra and black string bikini and look in the mirror. I like what I see. When I dress for work, I like what I see. I am at peace.

The person I was looking for in a woman turned out to really be me. I never found that person, except in myself.

12. A TS woman who thinks she is autogynephilic reports transitioning early, aided by social acceptance of her lesbianism:

I'm a 21 year old MtF non-op TS who transitioned at seventeen, and I'm attracted to women. I think of myself as lesbian, not straight. I don't understand why you assume autogynephilia is associated with transitioning later in life. I transitioned early, yet otherwise I seem to fit the criteria.

If there actually is a statistical correspondence between [being a] "heterosexual" TS and transitioning later in life, maybe it's due to societal pressure. Imagine a child growing up in a strongly homophobic society, with a sexuality that is stronger than its gender identity. If the child likes the same sex, it might start thinking of itself as being the opposite gender, in order to fit itself into the society's heterosexual assumptions. On the other hand, a child in this society who found itself attracted to the *opposite* sex, would have their gender reinforced by society. Given this, it's easy to see why the "homosexual" TS would tend to transition earlier than the "heterosexual" one: societal pressure....

I personally went to a very liberal high school. Out of four hundred students, we had at least two gay couples, who were open enough to make out in the middle of the quad. So my environment was probably less homophobic than most people's. [I connect] this with the fact that I transitioned at 17.

Anyway, if this hypothesis is true, then as a society becomes more accepting of gays, you should see the age of transition for "heterosexual" TS's get earlier....

13. A pre-op TS woman describes classic autogynephilic fantasies, which have continued throughout her transition:

I have just finished reading your article on autogynephilia, and can honestly say that for the first time ever, I have the feeling "this is me!" Previously when I've read the literature on transsexualism, I've thought that many, indeed most, of the descriptions applied to myself. But there was always something just slightly different from the way I truly felt. It was because of these feelings that I have had doubts about whether I was "really" a transsexual.

I am a 42 year old Male-to-Female pre-operative TS. I have been living full time as female for over a year, have completed a legal name change, and have been on HRT for several years. My childhood seemed rather typically male from an outside viewpoint and I lived as a fairly successful man for most of my 39 years prior to seeking professional help with the aim of eventual SRS in mind.

My sexual fantasies all include myself in female form, either being forced to become female or voluntarily. Frequently they involve a submissive element on my part -- I am either forced to be a woman or forced to behave in a particularly submissive manner. If there was a male involved it was usually a vague or faceless man with extremely strong and powerful physique. From my very earliest masturbatory experiences I have exclusively used this type of "becoming female" fantasy for arousal.

An early experience I can still vividly remember of becoming aroused at the thought of becoming female was when I was approximately 9 or 10 years old. I was overweight and I had begun to develop breasts, solely from my weight. I would soap my breasts in the shower and imagine I was really a woman with a real woman's breasts, and I would become extremely aroused.

I am currently divorced. I was married for approximately 5 years in my early 30's. My sex life was satisfying to an extent, but I would always use feminization fantasies to achieve orgasm. I thought this was a flaw in my nature, felt guilty because of it, and never discussed this with my wife. I always felt envious of my wife's body and would invariably fantasize about being like her or trading places whenever we had sex. I also regularly fantasize about becoming any of a variety of beautiful women such as popular actresses, models, or centerfolds.

I did not engage in much crossdressing at an early age. I did sneak occasionally into my Mother's room and try on a slip, panties, or a bra, but that was the extent of it. Once I graduated college and was on my own I began shaving my legs and would invariably achieve extreme states of arousal culminating in masturbation. It wasn't until I actually started therapy that I began appearing in public dressed as a female. In the early days I would become aroused whenever anyone, a sales clerk, a casual stranger, would address me as "Ma'am" or perform some courtesy such as holding a door for me. This arousal led to a heightened fear of discovery, i.e., that my erection would give me away. After HRT this became less of a problem and eventually stopped altogether. I thought perhaps it was the initial novelty of the situation that caused my arousal and this novelty was wearing off as I became accustomed to presenting in the feminine role. But now I realize that I still get that jolt of erotic thrill at being viewed as female but the hormone treatments have eliminated the erections which embarrassed me.

I continue to feel aroused at the thought of feminization. The frequency of my masturbation has greatly decreased since starting HRT, but I still use feminization fantasies during autoerotic activity. To date I have not told anyone else about this aspect of my transgendered nature. I have told my therapist about some of my fantasies but not about the erections when dressed. This is from fear of not being accepted as a true TS, and being categorized instead as a transvestite or crossdresser. I have a strong desire for SRS and do not want to jeopardize my chances by appearing in any way skewed from the "classic" TS profile.

14. A TS woman describes autogynephilic fantasies during self-pleasuring, but feels that her gender dysphoria came earlier:

Initially when I read [your] description, I thought this might be another medical "beat-up." However, on inspection I see that there is a valid point to this. More so since I HAVE had experience in autogynephilia as described. I first experienced gender dysphoria about the age of nine. I did not transition until age 36, and am now 41.

[My] first [autogynephilic] experiences at age 13 involved masturbation. I was slightly fat at the time and would imagine myself to have larger breasts, and push my penis up into my body cavity. Much later in my teens I would masturbate while wearing woman's clothing, makeup and other aids, while looking into the mirror and fantasizing about having a female body (which at this point I'd finally seen, at least in text books and magazines). The verbal acknowledgement of "I'm a Girl!" was highly stimulating. I went thru the usual cycles of guilt and purging. I had no girlfriends (or boyfriends for that matter) at all until I was age thirty. I sublimated my sexual drive into non-sexual activity like art and wargaming.

Overall in my transition, the idea of changing has been incredibly exciting. The first six months when my breasts were developing were great. I'd look in the mirror and it wouldn't matter how small the change was, it'd cheer me up. And while I still could, I'd jerk off to my own naked reflection. They were MY breasts and I did find this incredibly stimulating. A standard masturbation technique was to squat in front of the dresser mirror so that my penis was not visible in the reflection. Then I'd concentrate on that while I touched myself. It worked, and I like the idea of finding my own body to be sexy. It never was before when it was more male.

I've never understood what might have been the spur for the gender dysphoria, but perhaps in my case the autogynephilia acted as positive reinforcement. After all, if I feel the best ever (and sexy) when fantasizing as a female, that would be a powerful incentive to promote and enlarge that fantasy.

15. An early-transition TS woman describes her fantasies, and how they have changed over time:

I am only starting to transition, so you may not find this of great interest, but your article describes my transsexual feelings more accurately -- by far -- than any other description I have seen. I feel fortunate to have discovered it.

For years, my most exciting sexual fantasy was a very simple one -- I had the body of a woman, and I was being vaginally penetrated. The object or person performing the penetration was not important. I had also noticed that my transsexual feelings would (temporarily) lessen if I masturbated to this fantasy. My transsexual feelings diminished significantly -- but not entirely -- when I started having sex with the woman who became my wife. (I still remember that odd look she gave me when I once used the words "my pussy" in sex talk.) Like a pendulum, however, my transsexual desires increased as the novelty of the sexual relationship diminished. It is now stronger than ever but manifests itself differently.

As I have aged (I am now in my early 40s), I have noticed the following trends: 1) Sexual activity has been a less reliable means of decreasing my transsexual feelings. 2) The whole concept of crossdressing is less sexually arousing than in the past -- yet more fulfilling for other, non-sexual reasons. 3) Being vaginally penetrated is less important - having a woman's body and simply appearing more feminine is more important.

I have had no interest in imagining being pregnant, breast-feeding, or menstruating.

16. A post-op TS woman gives a detailed description of her anatomic and physiologic autogynephilia, which centers on urinary function:

The definition of autogynephilia describes me perfectly. Since I was a teenager, I thought I was a transsexual; however, because I did not fit the traditional definition of a transsexual, I assumed for years that I was a crossdresser. (I never have had the desire before nor after my SRS to have sex with a man. I prefer a woman for a partner.)

Wearing women's clothing and feminizing my body has always been sexually exciting for me -- even after SRS. Before SRS, during masturbation, I fantasized that I had female genitalia as well as breasts. Also, it was and still is sexually exciting for me to have female body "functions". Before my SRS, I would pretend to menstruate by urinating in sanitary pads. I particularly enjoyed wearing the old fashion belted pad with long tabs.

I also always wanted to "have to sit" on a toilet just like a woman. For years I would wear "arrangements" (so as not to touch or direct my penis) to simulate female urination. For example, I would wear the old fashion sanitary belt and pad, with the inner pad removed from the outer covering. The mesh covering would hold my penis in a downward position and produce a feminine stream. Also, I would void through panty hose, or glue or tape my penis in a downward direction.

For me, the greatest joy of my SRS is that the constant reminder that my maleness is gone, every time I use the bathroom. I am still sexually excited knowing that my urination process is just like a woman's. A "process" [involving] the normal daily aggravations, such as needing to remove clothing, wiping my crotch of drops of urine, and "hovering" over soiled public toilet seats. During urination, to be able to feel the warmth in my crotch as some urine drips around my meatus, and to be able to hear an occasional feminine "hiss" and the distinctive female sound of a widely swirling stream striking the water brings great pleasure to me - and confirms to me that I am a woman.

Also, since SRS, my underclothing feels more exciting. That is, as a bra is made with cups for female breast support; a panty is made with a closed crotch for a female (short) urethra. Also, foundation undergarments with a detachable or a split crotch function as designed. Now, having a pleasurable clitoris and vagina is sexually exciting, even before masturbation. And, yes, I do have orgasms. Although they are not as intense as before SRS, they last longer. Thinking about my female sex organs helps me to have an orgasm.

My life-long desire to have a feminine urinary function (female genitalia) was definitely a major reason for my SRS. I would have been happy to [have] continued to live "outwardly" as a man, knowing I had female genitalia and breasts (size A cup) under my clothes. However, I never explained this to my therapist, fearing he would not support my planned SRS.

17. A TS woman understands that she can be autogynephilic and still be a genuine transsexual; however, she hasn't told her therapist:

I'm a pre-op TS, and working on going full-time. I think that autogynephilia describes me a lot. I'm a submissive personality to begin with, and I'm very attracted to women (so far). I can see how, as a teenager, [my] need to be a woman, combined with a strong sexual attraction to women, [was] stimulated by these types of fantasies. I also believe that the "forced feminization" scenario is particularly stimulating to a lot of [us transsexual] women because it relieves us of the guilt of wanting to be feminine. Someone else is forcing us, and we have no choice in the matter. No guilt, all fun, and you are experiencing life in the body you desire to be in and be with.

I'm 36 now, and find that dressing is not as erotic as it was as a teen. For teens just about everything to do with women is erotic, if that is [one's] inclination. I think that autogynephilia is why a lot of MtF TS's initially feel (as I did) that they are not really TS, and must be TV. You shouldn't enjoy these thoughts, and if you do, then you're not really TS. It isn't until you mature and discover more about the subject that you understand that you can have these feelings and [still] be TS. I haven't broached the subject with my therapist, and I think that a lot of women are apprehensive about telling someone that they get excited in this fashion because that is what is associated with TV's and would potentially hurt their transition goals.

18. An early-transition TS woman believes that her erotic arousal to crossdressing is consistent with genuine transsexualism, and her therapist agrees:

I am a pre-op transsexual who is still in the early phases of transition. I have acknowledged my inner desire to be a woman, have started electrolysis, and have been seeing a therapist for about 9 months. I initially contacted my therapist after I had gone through a period in which I had fantasized every day about being a woman in the act of having sex with either a man or a woman (most usually a man, though). I had similar fantasies many times previously in my life from puberty onwards. I still fantasize about it regularly.

I [had] one homosexual experience as a teenager when another boy came on to me. I pushed him away at first, but I relented and went along with it at his insistence. I then found myself eventually desiring to have him inside me, only the desire was to have him inside my vagina, which I didn't have -- that was a little confusing. Afterwards I found the experience to be uniquely unfulfilling; on top of which, I didn't find myself physically attracted to men while in a male body.

I have previously had a heterosexual relationship in which I did have intercourse. I enjoyed the actual physical sensations, but when I think about what I was doing at those times, I don't recall ever actually looking at her while we were actually having intercourse. I do remember sometimes imagining what the sex felt like for her, though not always. The other thing I have noticed since I acknowledged my inner desires is that I am almost never able to get aroused by imagining sex with a woman as a man anymore.

I did worry that I was just confused and not truly a transsexual due to the erotic nature of my fantasies, which are usually associated with transvestism. I put these thoughts aside, though, as I realized that the eroticism came from the thought of my having sex in a female body, and not from the novelty of any props I might use to heighten the deception of my senses. My therapist is aware of these feelings and seems to feel that they are completely congruent with the assessment of me as a transsexual.

19. A TS woman describes childhood femininity and attempts at self-castration, but reports that autogynephilic fantasies appeared much later:

I feel like I am a bit of a mix of the traditional definition of a transsexual and the autogynephile definition that you describe. It is true that I've never truly felt myself to be a woman trapped in a man's body. I've always regarded manhood and womanhood as either biological definitions or descriptions of a social identity that really never had anything to do with the state of one's psyche or soul. To be honest, the thought of being one gender trapped in the body of another seems a bit delusional, like believing yourself to be the Queen of England. Wanting to be the Queen of England is another thing altogether.

Where I don't feel that I entirely fit your definition of an autogynephile is that my desire to female hasn't always been erotic, at least in regards to masturbation or physical arousal. Following the classic definition of transsexuality, my feelings started at an early age, at least as early as five, years before puberty. I didn't fit in with boys. I loathed sports and fighting, and war-related role-playing. I was quite drawn to trying on my mother's and sister's things, including clothes, makeup, perfume, and jewelry, both real and toy versions. My favorite toys were all my sisters, the dolls and the easy bake oven.

Changing into a woman was the dominant fantasy that I had even at early childhood, before I think that I knew of surgery. I would make believe that the kitchen table and chairs was a machine to change me into a girl, sometimes into specific girls that I knew. It was a strong and obsessive fantasy, but there was no touching of my genitalia at the time. It doesn't seem that it was much different than fantasies that other children had about being successful or celebrities or mommies or daddies.

It did start involving my genitals, though, shortly before puberty, but not in the sense of pleasuring myself; quite the opposite. I started to hear about sex change operations. I wanted one. I knew that the idea wouldn't be accepted, so I devised a plan. I would damage my ability to be a male, so that it would seem OK to everyone for me to become a female. I'd heard about horses being castrated by slowly tightening a strap of leather around their testicles. I tried to duplicate the effect. I gathered together rubber bands and wrapped them tightly around my testicles and penis, sometimes all three separately. I actually wore rubber bands around my genitals for about a decade, well into my sophomore year of college. I actually had my first wet dream while sleeping with the rubber bands, much to my painful regret. I also closed my genitals in drawers, once locking them in one and throwing the keys outside of reach, leaving me to have to call to my mother for help to get out. I even tried to hang myself by genitals. My mother discovered a noose that I was using for the purpose, and I allowed her to think that I was suicidal, rather than admit to [my] transsexual feelings, which seemed ... more shameful.

When I discovered masturbation, though, I have to admit that it was mostly about thoughts of metamorphosis into womanhood, rather than thoughts of making out with or fondling girls. I did fantasize about having sex with men as a woman, but it was indeed with faceless male stereotypes instead of real individual men. I did and do have erotic feelings about making love to women, but for them to become more dominant than [my] metamorphosis fantasies, I need to be strongly involved with the woman; and even then the metamorphosis thoughts can be given a nudge by focusing of the aspects of the woman that I would like to take on myself, from body to appearance to lifestyle. Transsexual activities, even well into adulthood, haven't always or even mostly been erotic. Crossdressing, visiting the hairdresser, and getting electrolysis are mostly just facts of life for a goal that encompasses my inner life. Sexual pleasure tends to have to come from fantasizing [about] things I have not yet done.

20. An older autogynephilic TS woman no longer experiences arousal with cross-dressing:

I have strong feminine feelings that have increased in intensity over the years. I am currently seeing a therapist. For years, I have studied transgendered issues. I realize that I am atypical of many transsexuals.

I am 57 and have been married for thirty-three years; I have two children. I have an advanced degree in chemistry and have led a successful life as a male. It is also my wish to preserve my marriage. Like many other people who fall under the classification of autogynephilia, I would definitely be a lesbian once I had SRS.

I grew up as a normal male and I played a wide range of sports in both high school and college. I still enjoy outdoor activities and lead a rather active life. I kept denying that there was a sexual component to my transgendered feelings until I read your paper concerning autogynephilia. Then it became obvious. There were just too many similarities. For years, I fantasized about being a woman when I had sex, as well as when I masturbated. I cross-dressed before my children were born, and was sexually aroused. Today, I cross-dress for enjoyment and there is no sexual arousal. I now realized that the driving force for my transgender behavior is the sexual feelings in becoming a woman. This is very evident in actually looking forward to electrolysis sessions with each one bringing me a step closer to being a woman.

Thanks for your paper; for the first time, I understand the motivating factors.

21. A TS woman thinks the concept of autogynephilia contributes to a more accurate view of transsexualism, but believes it can be symptomatic of deeper problems:

I am glad you are speaking up about autogynephilia. While the word is quite new to me, the matter itself is not. I have been talking about this for several years now - but there weren't many that would listen. When we let go of the dogma of a "core gender identity" that inevitably needs to be lived, and look at things like autogynephilia, we get a more differentiated picture of transsexuality - one that offers many starting points for therapy and alternative solutions.

I do appreciate my own transsexual path as a unique learning opportunity. In the course of the 15 years since my transformation, I have freed myself of a lot of conditioning, and I went through a significant, positive development of my emotional and spiritual life. I have become more and more skeptical regarding the physical impact of the change, though. From my own experience, I don't think it was very good for my sexuality and the physical integrity of my body.

Where do the sexual fantasies come from, the driving force behind autogynephilia? Sexuality is the energy closest to our very life force. How much we trust ourselves and our own power, how intimately we are connected to our emotions and our body, how we face and approach life in general: nothing indicates this so clearly as our sexuality and our sexual fantasies.

Looking at it from this point of view, autogynephilia may just be a symptom of more deeply rooted, compounding problems. They start at an all-too-often unfriendly birth, build up through a childhood in which the individual's physical and emotional needs are not met, and lead to a lot of confusion and suppressed emotional pain that manifest in emotional and sexual "blocks" in the body.

I don't question the individual's right to determine their own gender, and society's duty to support them in their choice. I just feel that important causes of transsexualism are not even touched yet in public discussion. There might be alternatives developing out of this for people who are facing these problems.

22. A post-op TS woman still gets sexually aroused thinking about her transition, but believes that autogynephilia and transsexualism are independent:

I think you're on to something here. Autogynephilia? Oh yeah! Look, I knew I was TS at nine years old. I also knew I was a lesbian trapped in a male body by the time I was 13. The central themes of my erotic fantasies were my becoming female and having sex with women as a woman. Not forced, but by desire and choice. My then cross-dressing somehow got mixed up with that and when I read all the stuff about cross-dressing, I knew the psychiatric community would view me as a transvestite. So, I suppressed that information. I am six months post-op now, and at 46 years old, still get sexually aroused when I think of the entire transformation that I just completed.

My opinion is that autogynephilia is independent of transsexualism. I don't like the reference of "men trapped in men's bodies" for myself. It may apply to some but I don't like it for myself.

Did sexual desire play any part in [my] decision to transition? -- No.

Was the desire to live out fantasies like these part of [my] reason for transitioning? -- Yes.

Did [I] ever think that [I] couldn't "really" have been transsexual because [I] had such fantasies? --- No.

How have [my] feelings affected [my] sex life -- either during self-pleasuring or with partners? --- Well, they have improved things tremendously.

How have [my] feelings affected [my] relationships with other people? --- They allowed me to have a sexual relationship with my wife, but when she wanted me to act like a man, my sexual feelings disappeared, except for my private ones about being a woman.

23. A bisexual TS woman describes a sexual component in her transition, but feels that the concept of autogynephilia is demeaning:

I can say that I found the idea of transition to be, in part, sexual. [However,] I really feel demeaned by your explanations for it.

When I was six or seven, I used to masturbate with a piece of clothing -- it did not need to be gendered clothing, I just did not want to touch my penis -- and fantasize about not having a penis, [and] having a vagina. I was not sure how that all would work, but I was sure that this was what I wanted, and should have. And yet -- there was a sexual component, and what I would call a gender dysphoric component, too.

As a child, I often found crossdressing to be sexually stimulating. I would fuck myself with hi-liters, or whatever came to hand. I wanted to masturbate as I imagined a woman would; regular penile masturbation made me feel sick.

I ultimately began transition thinking I was going to be a pre-op she-male forever. No SRS for me -- I figured that the technology wasn't there, and that what I really wanted was to be fucked by men (which, mind you, I was managing to do just fine at the time, anyway). As I proceeded with transition, I simply decided that SRS was a more aesthetic choice than surgical castration.

I am profoundly bisexual, but I have commonly loved women in long term relationships and men in short term relationships. There have been exceptions; at one point in my life, I felt I was not being fair to men, and made a point of having a two-year relationship with a man. I love sleeping with men, [but] I am not too keen on having my life run by one, and that ended that. At some point in transition, I began to be more attracted to women. Not because men turned me off, or because I thought they were gross -- it was just that sex had more and more of an emotional component, and my connections with women keyed into that in a way I had never experienced before with men or women. It was like -- total melt.

I don't know if this works with your theory or not. I do know that your theory will be used by people who despise us, and they will reward you for putting it forward.

24. An autogynephilic TS woman says that she's no "girly girl," and thinks that autogynephilia subverts traditional gender paradigms:

As a transsexual who identifies as such and finds her own transsexualism to be the continuing culmination of many erotic fantasies, I want to thank you for eloquently expressing the importance, for many of us, of the "sexual" in transsexual. I didn't always feel like I was a woman and I had a great deal of difficulty justifying my transition because of this feeling. Rather, having been exposed to a bio of Christine Jorgensen as a young teen, I imagined what an intensely erotic identification that would be.

Autogynephilia aptly describes what many of us have known for a long time. We aren't like those girly girl TS's that we're supposed to show some resemblance to. Frankly, most of us are not far from being men trapped in men's bodies. I would tweak that a bit and suggest maybe tomboys trapped in men's bodies.

From the standpoint of sexual preference, autogynephilia theory seems to be proposing a binary hetero-like model in splitting MtF's into two genders. I'm glad you remind the readers that this is a rather tenuous interpretation, but it does call into question the degree to which transsexuals really transgress gender versus conform to it. Ironically, the fears that autogynephilia may lead to new outcries of "men with vaginas" from radical feminist thinkers may be allayed by the notion that guys with vaginas are a pretty subversive gender (with not a whole lot of political clout, by the way).

25. A TS woman recalls that her cross-gender desires appeared much earlier than her autogynephilia:

I'm a 32 years old MtF, four years in RLT, and I expect surgery by the end of this month. Based on my own experience, I would say that the symptoms you describe are equally common among genetic women. Having fantasies about oneself, in a scenario involving a foggy partner the presence of whom only serves to confirm [one's] female identity, may seem perverted for a person who still largely sees herself as a man.... But it is perfectly normal for a genetic woman. Her psychologist may not use the term "autogynephilia", but [may instead] speak about "narcissism", which is a less clinical term, thus implying that the fantasies are completely normal, though not necessarily healthy or fruitful. Also, the genetic woman has the body that she's having fantasies about, so she doesn't need the fetishistic equipment that contributes to the shame ... of her MtF [counterpart].

It is refreshing for me to use your and Blanchard's theory to analyze my own process. I am almost 100% sure that my desire to be a woman is more established than [my] autogynephilia, which I also recognize [in] myself. The former has been rather stable since the age of six, whereas I don't recall any remotely autogynephilic fantasies before the age of 20. However, I think the increasing pervasiveness of those sexual fantasies has contributed to my decision to transition. After all, sex is probably the field where the fact that I have the gender that I have is most essential. I could, within the acceptable range of male behavior, wear feminine clothes, have sex with men, knit during school lessons, work in a kindergarten, and so on. I have done all this, and it has given me some relief as to my struggles with my male gender identity, and thereby some hope that I might one day come so far as to accept myself as a man. Which would, of course, have been the best solution to the problem.

At a certain point, I realized ... that I had done everything possible to accept my male gender, and it still didn't work. I have thought a lot about the reason for this, and after having read your article, it becomes more clear that the fact that I see myself as a woman in my sexual fantasies may have a say here. However, since I probably didn't have such fantasies during childhood, and maybe not during adolescence either, I think that the roots of my gender dysphoria lie somewhere else.

26. A post-op TS woman is certain that her cross-gender feelings preceded autogynephilic arousal:

After reading your essay on autogynephilia, I had to write to say I have often expressed to others that this is "the dirty little secret" of transsexuals. Yes, I had fantasies of "acquiring" a feminine body, and, yes, they were erotic. They started at age 14. These fantasies persisted until about 1 year prior to my SRS. The fantasy usually was about waking up in a hospital after an imagined "accident" to find I had been surgically reassigned.

There is, however, something that seems inconsistent with this being my motivating factor to have SRS. That is that I wished for SRS for several years prior to any sexual realization of myself. I have distinct memories of having wanted to be a girl beginning at age four to five years old, and when I saw a rerun newsreel of Christine Jorgensen at 9 years old, I blurted out to my parents I wanted to do that (not smart). The sexual fantasies did not start for a good six years after that, and were far and few between until about age 28, when I was married (to a woman). Even though we had normal sexual relations at about this time in my life, the fantasies began to become intense. I do not know if autogynephilia was more a reaction to my already strong desire to be the opposite sex (i.e., it was a product of my transsexuality), or the cause. I suspect it was a product of, rather than a cause, simply because it came later in life than the desire to change sex.

27. A TS woman with anatomic autogynephilia thinks that sexual orientation can change, in persons committed to heterosexuality:

Thank you very much for your wonderful article on autogynephilia. Your description of anatomic autogynephilia comes closer to my own personal experience than anything I have ever read on the subject of transsexuality, and your article has helped me tremendously to understand my own transgendered feelings.

However, I would like to raise one issue. You seem to imply that autogynephiles, prior to transition, are either attracted to women, bisexual, or asexual; and these orientations remain largely intact through transition and reassignment. Let me suggest another variation that I believe is completely consistent with the autogynephilia model. There are MtF's that are attracted to women during their male lives, who become attracted to men along the road to SRS. For lack of a better term, I would call this group "unapologetic heterosexuals". For them, sex is something that must take place between a man and a women.

I suggest to you that if a MtF fits your description of an autogynephile, finds sexual relations to be the ultimate validation of femininity, and is an unapologetic heterosexual, then a migration in orientation is both necessary and logical. I will even go out a limb to further suggest that these MtF's can actually learn to be aroused directly by men through some sort of conditioning process. If an autogynephile believes that the ultimate validation of a female body is to have sexual relations with a man, she then learns how to be aroused by men. As Blanchard suggested, autogynephilia might be an orientation. This is just my opinion -- I could be wrong. But it seems to fit with what is happening in my life, and it seems to be consistent with the histories of a lot of MtFs.

28. A bisexual TS woman is aroused by feminization fantasies, but believes Blanchard's theory may confuse cause and effect:

I just read your article on autogynephilia. I have some brief comments. As a [former] patient of the Clarke Institute of Toronto, who was told early on that I was autogynephilic by Dr. [Robert] Dickie, I've had some long-term exposure to the concept of autogynephilia. As an aside, I do not conform to the portrayal of standard physical characteristics of autogynephiles, as I was feminine as a child, transitioned at an early age, and have generally "passed" without effort. I'm also bisexually identified, with my current partner being a male whom I have been with for three years. I have, however, experienced, and continue to experience, arousal from feminization fantasies.

I have numerous concerns with Blanchard's analysis, but I'll focus on just one: the assumption that autogynephilia (and androphilia) are the cause or primary motivation for an individual's transsexuality. I have never been adequately convinced that this is the case, and it seems just as likely to me that transsexuality causes autogynephilia, or that transsexuality and autogynephilia are the shared result of some common root cause.

It also cannot be ignored that the Clarke Institute has used, and continues to use, unethical methods of evaluating their patients, and that their patients routinely lie to them, because of the fear and mistrust they have for the Institute. I feel that this alone is sufficient to reduce the value of Blanchard's study to that of an interesting theory, which may or may not be affirmed by future investigation.

I believe it is very important for transsexual women to explore their common feelings. By focusing on Blanchard's questionable autogynephilia theory, instead of simply focusing on the root common feeling of sexual arousal through feminization, barriers are created to that ... exploration. Women who might be willing to discuss their sexual feelings will be unwilling to do so, out of a feeling that by doing so, they must express identification as "autogynephiles," which they feel does not correctly describe them.

Transsexuals have always sought the answer to the question "Why am I transsexual?" Autogynephilia theory seems to offer an answer to some of us, but [this] does not (in my opinion) offer proof of the correctness of the theory, or even a strong indication that the theory may be correct. I hope that, as transsexuals, we can study this theory as a theory, and continue our own exploration of who we are, without dividing into camps that support or attack that particular theory.

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